"no woman will have me"
I guess I've believed it all my life, including
Nancy. Especially Nancy.
I know it will be impossible to find her again. Especially if she's remarried obliterating that last name.
I tried some searches. Zip.
It was back in the late 70's. Al McCarthy was a designer I worked with back at GLI in
Brooklyn. He somehow got me out to this singles social one night.
I was too self-conscious about my stuttering to meet anyone. He asked me what type I
wanted. I found myself at a small table opposite Nancy. And remarkably, talking to
her. I wanted Nancy but could never see how she'd ever have an interest in
me. I figured if I wanted to keep seeing her I better keep the relationship Platonic.
We'd meet at the Port Authority (main bus terminal) in NYC. And have dinner somewhere.
She called me her "head friend". Nancy was intelligent too.
And hot. Maybe I should have told her that. But I was afraid it might be
'misinterpreted'. Another rejection .. "keep it Platonic".
Self-esteem: "the energy for pursuit". I finally acquired
some. And called her up. Just before I moved out here. Half a life-time
ago. So we met in a quiet bistro somewhere. And talked. I finally had enough minimal self-esteem to tell her how hot I thought she
was. This time it was OK for her to reject me after I told her
that. I guess I was expecting it. She 'disappointed' me. I couldn't believe
it. So we told each other our thoughts--"head friend"
indeed!
I've never connected like that with a woman. You told me what you were
experiencing. I never knew I was capable of doing that to a woman like
you. So we wound up in a car. I know it probably lasted less than a minute
(both fully dressed, I don't think we even embraced) and I never told you why I had to
stop. I should have! I remembered Janet's lecture. That was the only
reason. Remember, I wanted to see you again and called you again.
You put me "over the top". It was heaven.
It's never been that hot for me ever in my life. I never knew it could be that
good. Even though we never did anything. And I expect it probably will never be that hot ever again for
me. It was half a lifetime ago. Thanks for wanting me that badly and showing me how un-inhibitingly good it all could
be. Thanks for the self-esteem Nancy. Thanks for it all.
Even though we never did anything.
(and remember "I was right, wasn't I?" -- "you're the one who rejected me")