Dear Tammy,

You wouldn't believe the confusing message someone impersonating you left on my answering machine.  I need to remember to erase it before it winds up humiliating you for the rest of your life on some website.  Fortunately, I've developed a method of decoding your garbled and muffled message by means of state of the art technology employing delayed and frequency altered feedback in combination with Edinburgh de-masking developed by Dr. Bablefish.  After spending long hours into the night processing your message with my computer and electronic circuit boards this is what I heard:

Dear Geoffrey,

I wish to apologize to you for that confusing message on your answering machine.  I assure you it will not occur again.  I don't know what came over me in that absolutely stupid response you heard on it.  It must have been someone else.  It's an absolute embarrassment to me.  Would you kindly erase it.  Lest it follow me the rest of my life published in .mp3 format on some website somewhere.  After someone finds the tape you've thrown out in the garbage.

In your phone call to me, you requested some background history on the NSP since '92.  In compliance with your request, I am in the process of initiating a contact with John Albach.  I have every expectation that he will assure me personally that he is at your service and will be responsive to any and all questions you may have of him.  And will not be bound and gagged in any way from responding to a direct and frank examination. 

Further, I am about to proceed with an examination of our officers to determine any bindings upon them that have not been disclosed to our membership.  Or on any of our former officers.  If I find any, I personally will be outraged and seek to know why.  And why they've been hidden.  I intend to be the *first* to get to the bottom of this matter.  Indeed, feel free to ask *me* if I have been bound and gagged.

I assure you the documents you have requested to examine will be produced in their entirety and to your full satisfaction.  And that they will be intact..

[undecodable muffled cries]

.. I assure you the officers involved are attentive to me and moving on my instructions to them with dispatch.  And without any evasion whatever.  If you wish, please feel free to have our officers ..

[more muffled cries]

.. And it is my pleasure to grant you this exclusive Honor because I know you will not abuse it.  Geoffrey, your reputation precedes you and I can only describe what I've heard from our officers about you as "stellar".

[unable to decipher – too intoxicated]

.. We have absolutely nothing to hide.  We are proud of our record and welcome your interest.  In fact, I feel personally honored that you called me with it.  Please do not hesitate one moment from doing so again.   I am at your service sir.  It was good to hear from you Geoffrey.  It made my day.

Respectfully,
Tammy


p.s: Geoffrey, may I helpfully suggest you buy one of the newer digital answering machines that are available today for less than $15.  Rather than continuing with an obviously antiquated machine continually on the fritz.  It seems like such a waste to see you spending hours of that brilliant mind of yours each time trying to decode every message.  And please accept my compliments to you on your deciphering abilities.  What you decoded is *exactly* what I said.

Would you also be so kind as to read this message from me to our group out there tonight.  I am making this request of you directly.  I sense my reputation to be on the line here.  And will not allow this request to you to be countermanded.  By anyone.  For I wish to make it clear to all as to how I stand on this.  And that we are responding immediately to you and with a salute.  I intend to fully protect our reputation.  Perhaps you might also do me the honor of publishing my message to you on that website of yours.  Your humor and reminisces have warmed all our hearts here.

"Sail on!" Geoffrey.  Keep up the good work.

2/17/06

Dear Tammy,

I wish to apologise to you for not reading my last message to you at our last meeting here.  But one of our members thought he might be coming down with a cold and I wanted to give him a chance to recover.  Maybe he saw me walking in with the 3 pages (745 words) I timed at 5 minutes.  And caught something.  I hope he'll be feeling better at our next meeting when I'll give it another try.  I hope it's not something serious.  You never know . Maybe I'll get a postcard from some sanatorium in the Swiss Alps or something.  I hope it's not contagious.  Maybe I'll get a slew of postcards from everyone.  Remind me to call you.  I hope you're doing OK.  You never know.  Say 'hi' to John Albach for me.  Or maybe you already have and have some answers for me.  Assuming no one's bound and gagged you there.  Or John either.  You never know.  That office is in a rough neighborhood.  I used to live around there too.  I get worried when I don't hear from people.  Or see them.  Like John.  I tried asking some questions a few months ago and someone stuffed a fruitcake in my mouth.  I don't know what's been going on.  I don't think anyone does.  Seems like the last time I felt John wasn't bound and gagged was back around '92 or slightly after.  He was in good spirits at that convention.  Wanted me to get pictures of it all.  What he said to me gave me the feeling that this organisation was finally coming into some financial health.  Then I heard from someone at our last meeting that they ran out of money.  Maybe he was just told that to make him feel better or something.  Maybe he doesn't know what happened either.  I missed John at our last Holiday gathering.  In fact, the last time I saw him personally was at the previous one.  We were about to get to chat like old times.  Then someone starting talking to him.  Continually.  Like some kinda jamming or something.  I don't know why it seemed like he was bound and gagged again.  Or maybe I'm dreaming.  It just seemed rather strange in hindsight.  I never did get to talk to him personally after that.  At all.  Anyway, I hope you've been able to by now.  Everyone likes John.  I remember the standing ovation he got at that convention before he left.  I don't know why he hasn't been attending them.  I'm sure everyone misses him too.  It's all just weird.  Like he's fallen off the face of the NSA earth.  I think he wanted to tell me something.  Anyway I posted my reply to your muffled and garbled message on my website already.  I hope you'll be impressed with what I heard from you and hope you're feeling OK . And taken your flu shot this year.  In case you haven't, I just wanted to tell you that I think you're doing a great job.  I don't know why I get the feeling I'm already getting results.  Maybe Tammy's already "come in from the cold" and is "starting to get the picture".  Maybe she's starting to feel she's being empowered and supported.  She might be moving on this "doing her job" thing there.  Directing her subordinates to respond.  Putting on her Captain's hat that says "Director of Operations".  Doing some Directing.  Giving some Orders.  "Stepping up to the plate" personally and defending the Integrity of this organisation, "knows when she's been snookered"--isn't gonna let them do it to her again.  "Lifting some of those little miscreants by the ear" on this one.  As they "scurry for the exits".  I'd be "calling them on the carpet", demanding some answers.  Wanting to know what happened to all our money.  "It ran out"--no, that's not good enough for Tammy.  She doesn't trust anyone anymore either.  I come from Missouri, the "show me" state.  When Tammy sees it, I think she'll be immensely grateful to know it.  Everyone will.  Including John.  For everyone will know the truth.

Keep up the good work,
Geoffrey

p.s: gosh, if Tammy isn't getting some straight answers soon, she could be instructing *me* to lift some of those little weasels by the ear to find out what happened..

Now that she's knows how to do it.