Olympian Gods:

You never meet them.

They are there to provide you with the *wisdom* you need to propel you onward with your life.

They appear fleetingly.  From nowhere.  You never know why they've suddenly appeared as they reveal something quite empowering to you. 

It's a "flash" and then they're gone.  If they say anything at all, their words are few.

Sometimes the message is cryptic, it has to be 'Encoded'.
"Inattentive": you see it a few months later. 
I'm contemplating how to respond the next time I hear one of these things.
Maybe something like: "What the hell was that?"

But sometimes it is bold. 

But whatever the case, the message is there to reveal something to you that you must know and have been missing.  For you must have this knowledge for a purpose.

To empower you.

Zeus: it is a deep voice full of authority that fills the room.
Xena: it is a "flash of light"--it reveals it to you very quickly and effectively.


Once these Dieties know you have seen it, they are gone.
Perhaps they are: "A Matron, a Patron, a Court Jester, a Friend.."

No one could see me.  I was "lost in the forest" on a dark night.  This Diety saw the problem: "went to work" on it for me .. "stayed with me all the way" .. built my confidence .. as he "pulled out the maps" to find out where I was.  I was almost home but didn't see it.  I wasn't going to make it.  So he swept down, turning my head to see that hidden shortcut, illuminating it with a brilliant "flash of light" and was gone.

Sometimes it is Delphic (cryptic).  Sometimes it is bold: Xena style. 
Or it may just be an "impossible to suppress" tickled smile of incredulity from Melina Mercouri, that soft gentle Greek-accented voice.  Or from her husband.

It is not important to me to win.  What is important is that I run.  For it is part of my therapy.

1/7/04

This is a strange dream I had.  It never happened.  I don't know anyone named "I'm the Coordinator" and Bonnie anyway.

The attendees (I remember):
Young Woman
Mother 
Daughter
Xena and Zeus
Bonnie and "I'm the Coordinator"


I never even had a chance to meet them all after the meeting.  So I never even had a chance to learn their names.  Every meeting consists of "new faces" anyway.  They come once.  Never return.

Xena, I discovered at the meeting's end, was the one who was to be kept from knowing.  Bonnie (greeting us in the lobby) had the video player set up when I walked into the meeting.  The lecturer had cancelled out.

I was angry.  This time I knew what it was for.  "Who decided this?" I demanded from Bonnie.  No answer.  I told her we needed to get those Election results from the Blueberry Queen.  "YOU can ask her.." she said.  "No, WE need to ask her.." I told Bonnie.

All those "new faces" again.  I sat down and asked the group why they wanted to watch a video.  Bonnie was about to pop in the tape when I suggested we let all those new people introduce themselves to us first.  "I'm the Coordinator" had to assent.
"I'm the Coordinator" introduced himself as "I'm the Coordinator"
"Are you sure?" I asked wryly.
"I'm the Coordinator": (quite confidently): yes, "it's official"
"It's official, eh?" I mocked.
We proceeded with the Introductions.

When they got to me I told everyone about my involvement in the stuttering self-help movement since '71, listing my Comorbidities etc.  Continuing about running for election last year (roughly): "It turns out to run for election you need to know about something called Bylaws and what a 'maximum term of office' is." ... "Mickey Mouse told me that the Election you ("I'm the Coordinator") held for yourself a couple of years ago was a 'plebiscite'.  That means The Chief appointed you, right?".  No answer from "I'm the Coordinator".

(I don't know what the purpose of the "show elections" actually was.  But I discovered by running against "I'm the Coordinator" [announcing March 2 last year], that they serve as a 'firewall' for The Chief, more later on this). 

Last year before the Elections the "video player" was "I'm the Coordinator" dominating and talking all the way through the meetings (or Bonnie saying "why can't we all get along", if I complained).  I hardly got a word in to make myself known to the membership.  There were no candidate's statements on the ballots sent out either.  The membership list is protected and confidential (and properly so).  Communication from a challenger is completely cut off from the membership.  I've just realised that knowledge of a victory by a challenger can also be withheld from the membership.  It's so easy to do, especially to an Inattentive.

Anyway, back to the meeting.

"Inattentive" (that passivity): we need to learn that 'assertiveness' thing.  Speak up!
I had to learn it from my stuttering therapy.  I still hate it.  Confrontation.

       --"Why it has to be stated publicly"--
I just realised that "no one knows it until I tell them".  And state it publicly.  I learned that a candidacy has to be announced *publicly*.  No Bylaws had been produced (I called everywhere) until The Chief faxed them to me the day after I announced my candidacy *publicly* at Susan Kloss' lecture last June 4, after "I'm the Coordinator" cancelled my election with him at the beginning of the meeting.  Once it's stated publicly, it cannot be refuted: "never received the email, etc."  So no one will know what happened at the Election until *I* tell them.  The Blueberry Queen (our "Election Team") isn't likely to do so, "self-serving" and all that (and she just had her baby and has been absent).  I was the only challenger at the Election.  The incumbents certainly won't say anything.  I must tell the world publicly myself.  It won't know it until I do so. 

This is the sentence that I will be blocked from saying:

"The Election was attended by only one voting member not running for office.  That's the Election Team.  And she hasn't given us the Election results yet."

Mickey Mouse himself (that's one of the King's Men) was at the Election and controlled it.  He never produced the Bylaws after the Blueberry Queen gave her speech on their importance.  And in my earlier phone call to him last year, he was not shocked when I told him about our branch election that "I'm the Coordinator" had held for himself the previous year, as Mickey explained to me that it was a plebiscite.  "I'm the Coordinator" had called it an election.  Mickey indicated to me that the King and his Men did not 'interfere'--(my, not his, quote) with Chapter elections.  This meant unsupervised contested elections.  It meant the incumbents could completely control the election process.  Including initially ignoring my candidacy (I expect it could have been completely ignored had the Exchequer not called the King on this one earlier).  And then ignoring the Election Team at the Election itself.  Which is exactly what happened.  And one of the King's Men himself was there.

Anyway, back to our meeting, I don't know how that Daughter knew I was about to say that sentence.  I do not fault her at all for that dominating reaction (she didn't know me, it was fear): "Geoffrey, you're off task!"

"Will you let me finish!" I answered in anger to that "voice of control" from wherever it was coming from in the Kingdom (actually, I should have answered "What task?" and thanked her for her 'punctuation mark').  But I was angry at the domination over an Inattentive (it's so easy to do) but it was not directed at the Daughter herself.  

Later at the end of the meeting her Mother saw I liked her Daughter (who seemed nervous from what she had said).  "Hyper?" I asked.  I listened and got a glimpse of where she was coming from.  "Yeah.."--it meant 'it must be tough for you there'.  I did it in two words.  And as the meeting ended, her Mother stood up, waited for me to see her, and walked over to me with her hand extended.  I took it.

Xena commented to me she thought the introductions were a good suggestion on my part, instead of the video tape.  And I was about to meet all those new people when Bonnie asked me to help her take the video player out to her car.  I'm Inattentive "I didn't see it".  But Xena did as she immediately stood up and confronted her: "I'll help you with that Bonnie".  Bonnie smiled: "No, I always use Geoffrey".  So I smiled, shrugging my shoulders and helped her take her video player out to her car.

So Bonnie and I talked privately a bit in the parking lot. 
No, I wasn't going to respond to that invitation "I'm the Coordinator" emailed me a day before the Holiday potluck (expecting me to jump at the last minute) at her house but I didn't tell her this.  No, I told Bonnie, I never received her email on it and asked when she sent it.  Oh, she tried to call me.  When?  My answering machine picks them all up.  Oh, it was the hospital phone number I stayed at last summer that she called.

And then it saddened me deeply when she said: 
"Well, you'll have to wait another year then." 

I looked behind her at the meeting hall.
The lights were off.
"I'm the Coordinator" had closed out the meeting.

I was not to have any more self-esteem from this.
I had had too much already.

What saddened me is that I like and care about Bonnie.
I felt tired, got in my car and came home..

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